Response to "My 'Perfect' Family

Well, clearly I struck a nerve with the blog post about my "perfect" family! There are a few comments posted directly on the blog, but my facebook inbox and email have exploded with messages of support. I'm not sure what resonated most but based on the comments, it seems the notion that we all have special needs is what people related to.

While I'm grateful to hear from so many people about the blog post, it's also heartbreaking to realize how many people are affected by drug addiction...it has crept into our society at every level, in every demographic. I have attended many NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meetings with Austin and often find myself thinking,

Austin, summer 2012

"These people don't look like drug addicts," but neither does Austin. What does a drug addict look like? He or she looks just like you or me.

I've had a hard time understanding the classification of addiction as a disease, as I'm sure many other people have. There's an element of choice that goes into using drugs that makes it hard to distinguish what part of addiction is the disease and what part of it is the addict making conscious decisions. All I know about the science of addiction is that there's something in an addict's brain that's different from the rest of us, something that overrides their ability to discriminate right from wrong. Because drug use is illegal (except for alcohol, which is most certainly a drug), it has a stigma attached to it, making it socially unacceptable to talk about.

Whether you believe its a disease or not, being a family member of a person who is a drug addict is  lonely and isolating. I'm a member of a group of women who have adult children struggling with addiction...the woman who started the group named it the "Casserole Club" because she said, "If our children had cancer, people would bring us a casserole. But because they are addicts, people don't even ask about our kids."  Many of the people who reached out to me said that it was brave of Austin and me to make his private struggle public.

Love this t-shirt!

To keep addiction  hidden in the shadows makes the stigma and shame that recovering addicts live with much worse; I may be ashamed for some of the things Austin has done, but I've never been ashamed of Austin.

Something I've found so powerful about attending NA meetings is the overriding tone of tolerance and acceptance that NA advocates. For those of you who don't know, people who go to NA meetings (or AA or any of the other anonymous support groups) are people who are committed to recovering from their addiction, which is very different from someone who is in active addiction, doing anything necessary to feed their drug habit. Once you decide you are ready for recovery and enter an NA meeting, there is no judgement from anyone about how you ended up there...the group is just glad you're on the path to a new life. I went to an NA meeting in Atlanta once - a midnight meeting for people who are gay, lesbian or transgender and even though I'm not gay, or a lesbian, or transgender or an addict, there was no judgement from anyone in the room - they accepted me into their group as if I was one of them.

The only other place I've ever seen such wide open acceptance is in our classes for people with special needs. People with disabilities don't judge anyone, they welcome everyone with open arms. They never judge what you look like, what you wear, where you live, how you talk, what you talk about, how you behave, what you do for a living...they never judge anything at all.

I bet you're like me...I don't want others to judge me; I want others to be patient with me; I hope other people will accept me the way I am. If I want others to accept and tolerate me, I should extend acceptance and tolerance to others all the time...drug addicts and people with disabilities have taught me that.

I certainly don't mean this to sound like I'm placing drug addicts and people with disabilities in the same category...not in any way! Drug addicts - when they are active in their addiction - are selfish, cowardly, liars who will do anything imaginable to get what they want. Drug addicts in recovery are just like the rest of us...we all have demons we have to battle within ourselves. I'm just saying that I've seen the greatest examples of acceptance and tolerance from people in these two groups. If we were all just a bit more tolerant and accepting of others, wouldn't it be a nicer world?

I'd like to think that volunteering in our program is one of the things that helped Austin get his life back on track. By spending time with people who struggle with challenges they have no control over, Austin was able to realize that he did have control over what he was struggling with and thankfully, he has chosen to work at overcoming his addiction. He has said that one of the things he's most ashamed of is that he willingly chose to do things that disabled his life when he loves so many people who face challenges every day that could limit their lives. He watches our students overcome those challenges and takes inspiration from them to stay clean and healthy.

I'm not sure what the message of this blog is. Maybe it's "Thank you for reading "My 'Perfect Family," or maybe it's "Let's all try to be more tolerant and accepting of others" or maybe it's "If you know someone with an addict in their family, reach out and let them know you care."

Kayla, Anna Ryane, Darby, Laura Beth and Carolyn

I guess the real point is that the most tolerant, accepting and inspirational people I've ever met are people with disabilities. They have a courage I couldn't begin to emulate, a willingness to accept everyone just the way God made us. Drop by Merrimack Hall any time you're in need of some acceptance, tolerance or inspiration...classes resume September 3!

Noah

The best thing about my work at Merrimack Hall is the people I get to know...old and young, from all backgrounds and with all levels of ability, from every ethnic group and with every sort of religious affiliation...my world has expanded exponentially from having our students, their families and our volunteers in my life. While everyone involved with The Johnny Stallings Arts Program brings something unique to the table, its our students who have most impacted me and my view of the world. I say all the time that I've learned more from people who our society tells us are "less than" than I've ever learned from anyone who's "normal!"

Take Noah, for example. The oldest of eight children, Noah is a senior at Grissom High School. He loves being in Project UP and never fails to steal the show in some way - a natural born showman, Noah has impeccable timing and a freedom of expression that is a joy to watch. Noah is in love with another one of our students, Katie. They have big plans for the future, which include getting married when they turn 25, going to Hollywood on their honeymoon and making a film they've written entitled "Katie's Big Break." Click on the link below in a new window to see why I find Noah so fascinating! You have to hear him speak before you read the rest of this blog - he's hilarious!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-ErCuXM5DM

Last fall, I was out of town for a week. The staff told me that when Noah arrived for Project UP, he became quite agitated that I wasn't in the office. He wanted to know where I was, when I was coming back, why in the world I had to go anywhere in the first place. His agitation was escalating and just when my team thought Noah was going to have a complete come-apart, it was time for class to start. All the kids made their way up to the dance studio and Noah forgot about being upset over my absence.

The following week, I made it a point to be waiting at the front door for Noah's arrival. I had heard that Katie was sick with a sinus infection and had missed a few days of school and that Katie's mom, Lori, was sick with pneumonia. When Noah walked through the door and saw me, he screwed his face up tight. The tears started flowing and as we hugged, his tears turned to sobs - albeit, highly overly dramatic sobs. The conversation we had went like this, with Noah doing his over-the-top sobbing thing the entire time he was talking:

"Where in the world were you last week?"

Noah and Katie at The Connection

"I was in Greenville, South Carolina visiting my daughter."

"Why? That wasn't necessary, was it?"

"Yes, Noah. My daughter just moved there and I was helping her move into her apartment."

"That doesn't really seem necessary to me. Couldn't she do that by herself?"

"No, Noah. She couldn't. She needed my help. But I'm back now. How has your week been?"

"Oh, Debra, it's been horrible. How long does this pneumonia thing last?"

"Noah, does Katie have pneumonia? I thought it was her mom who has it."

"No, Katie doesn't have it yet but I'm sure she will get it soon. Miss Lori has it and its been forever and I miss my future wife!" He was really sobbing at this point.

"Noah, calm down. Katie probably won't get pneumonia - she just has a sinus infection. And Miss Lori will be better very soon...she just has to take it easy for a few weeks."

"And if everything weren't bad enough, I had to ride here with Mrs. Hulgan and I like Mrs. Hulgan but she's not Miss Lori. I really only like to ride with Miss Lori and I just know that this is going to go on for a really long time..." (at this point, he walked to the wall, put his forehead against it and started beating on the wall with his fists. Other parents were standing around and I looked at them, saying behind Noah's back, "Hey, could someone give me a hand here?" But it was so very amusing that they just watched and laughed, telling me I was on my own). "I JUST MISS MY FUTURE WIFE SO MUCH!"

Having heard her name, Mrs. Hulgan walked up to us and said, "Noah, did you need something from me?"

"Am I going to have to ride in your car again after today?"

"Yes," Mrs. Hulgan replied. "Remember? We are carpooling now. You are riding with me every third Tuesday."

Noah looked at me with disgust and panic. "I HATE CARPOOLING!"

I said, "Noah, you don't need to get yourself so upset. Katie will be back in school in another day or two. Now we're going to have a fun class today so let's come on inside and see who else is here."

"I don't care who's here if Katie isn't here. You have no idea how this feels! I love Katie so much and I just know she's going to die!"

Noah in "My North Pole Adventure"

All of the adults within earshot struggled not to burst out laughing as Noah wailed his anguish over missing his girlfriend and over the prospect of her impending death.

"I know exactly what's going to happen," Noah continued. "Katie is going to get pneumonia and die because that's what happened to my grandmother and my grandfather was never the same again. That's what happens - you get married and you are married for a really long time and then you die. I will be so upset when that happens to Katie."

"Okay, Noah, you've got to get a grip on yourself. Now, look at me in the eyes. Do you know how many years I've been married?"

"No," he sniffled.

"I've been married for 27 years. Do you think that's a long time?"

"Yeah."

"Do I look like I'm about to die?"

"No."

"Okay. You and Katie are going to get married when you're 25 and you're going to be married for a really, really long time before either one of you is old enough to die. Katie will be back in school soon and it's time for you to get up to class."

Noah turned and looked intently at me.

"Now that I think about it, you don't look so great after all."

How do you respond to something like that...something so completely honest? He was right - I didn't look too great that day, maybe I did look like I was on the verge of death. Unlike you and me, Noah tells it like it is, calls it as he sees it. His open and keen observations on everything are always right on the money. And we think he's the one who's different?

Each time I'm around Noah, I tell myself that I'm going to start being more honest and up front in my communications with others, that I'm going to tell people how I feel with as much honest emotion as Noah does. He will tell anyone who asks how much he loves Katie - how many "normal" 18-year-old boys would do that? But it's hard to break old habits and I constantly find myself talking with others in a guarded manner, trying to measure my words.

Noah and Katie at prom 2013

Of course, we can't just blurt out the first thing that comes to our minds - "You're not looking too great after all," may not be something we should say to someone but there should be a happy medium between the mind games we play with others and Noah's raw honesty. I'm going to keep looking for that balance and watching Noah for clues on how to attain it, knowing that he will always keep me laughing!